You Are Not the Problem: A Therapist’s Perspective on Trauma and Relationships.

As a therapist — and as someone who has walked the long, painful road of healing from trauma — I hear a familiar story from my client’s time and time again:

"Maybe I’m just the problem in relationships."
"Maybe I’m too sensitive, too guarded, too broken."
"Maybe if I was easier to love, things wouldn’t fall apart."

I hear the words, but more than that, I feel the weight behind them — the quiet, aching belief that somehow, because of the trauma they have endured, they are inherently flawed when it comes to love, connection, and belonging.

I know that feeling intimately.
I believed it about myself for many years.

But here is the truth, both from my professional work and my personal experience:

You are not the problem.

When we experience trauma, especially in our formative relationships, it shapes how we view the world. We become experts in detecting danger, in bracing for loss, in questioning whether we are safe. Our nervous systems adapt brilliantly to keep us alive — but those same adaptations can make relationships feel overwhelming, confusing, or painful later in life.

It’s easy, then, for both survivors and those around them to misinterpret trauma responses as personal defects: needing reassurance becomes "being needy," setting boundaries becomes "being difficult," hesitating to trust becomes "being cold."
These misunderstandings are not only unfair — they are profoundly damaging.

The issue is not that trauma survivors are "too much." The issue is that many relational spaces are not equipped to support the needs that trauma creates.

Relationships thrive on safety, trust, and emotional honesty — things that trauma teaches us to be cautious with. When we seek safety, ask for clarity, or pull back when something feels off, we are not sabotaging the relationship; we are responding appropriately to protect ourselves based on past experiences.

Healthy relationships require mutual understanding, patience, and care. It’s not your job to shrink yourself to be "easier" for someone else to love. It’s not your fault if someone is unable or unwilling to meet you where you are with compassion.

In fact, the very traits that trauma survivors develop — sensitivity to emotional shifts, deep empathy, fierce loyalty, intuitive awareness — can become some of the most powerful strengths in relationships when they are honoured, not punished.

Through my work with clients, and through my own healing, I’ve seen again and again that when trauma survivors are met with the right kind of care — when they are valued for their courage rather than blamed for their pain — they can create relationships that are not only healthy, but deeply transformative.

Healing relationships are possible. Love that feels like safety, not survival, is possible. If you carry the belief that you are the problem, please hear me when I say:

You are not broken.

You are not too sensitive, too complicated, too hard to love.

Your trauma does not make you a liability in relationships — it makes you someone who understands, on a soul-deep level, the importance of trust, respect, and kindness.

You are not the problem.

You are the survivor.

And you are worthy of relationships that recognise and celebrate your strength, not diminish your humanity.